I know, I know, I've been shockingly lax in posting lately. I blame it all on business travel (ok, and, maybe, too, on the dating - but let's stick to the subject). There's nothing like several weeks of darting around the east coast to remind you of some of the unspoken pitfalls of business travel. Here's my list of the things they never tell you to expect (and yet always seem to happen!)
- You and your outfits need to be ready for anything. Because the truth is, you never know when you'll be all dressed up for a business meeting in the morning and end up taking a surprise tour of a remote environmental campus in the afternoon with nothing to change into in your suitcase, let alone in your rental car. Be prepared, girls. 'Cause those shoes are never going to be the same.
- You will eventually sleep in the shirt you're wearing. There's probably a guy (maybe his name is Miguel) in your office who demands that everyone jam whatever they need to bring into a carry-on bag. Laptop, suit, projector, foam core, whatever. Make it work. Because once you give that bag up to the airline, it's all over. It could get lost. Or you could get stuck. When the flight gets canceled, they don't return your suitcase. You're left to sweat it out (separated from your deodorant, toothbrush, and jammies) until you hit your destination city. I used to make fun of that guy. Now, I'm a believer.
- You will eventually sleep in someplace that's too scary to fall asleep in. The hotel reservation will fall through. Something will be overbooked. The car will break down. And, you'll find yourself first Googling and then just wandering around looking for shelter. If you're in any kind of company town on a weeknight, the options will not be pretty. All the "decent" hotels (Holiday Inns, Hiltons, Marriotts) will have been long-since booked by corporate travel agents. Your choices are quickly going to dwindle to the Super 8s and Comfort Inns of the world. Or, worse, as we recently found on a trip to the center of PA - an Econolodge. A "motel" with no irons or hairdryers and room doors that open into the parking lot of a gas station:
- There are new things that you'll want to learn. Like how to treat your clothes for bed bugs (just in case). How to iron a dress with no iron. What you can lean against the door when the lock is bent and fragile looking.
- New York can be an impossible place to get to. Especially if you're flying into LaGuardia. Here are two words you do not want to hear: Ground stop. Happens in NYC all the time. The three beastly airports there get overwhelmed and weather gets messy and they just close up shop. No flights in or out. Good luck rearranging your plans. And enjoy your time on the runway.
- You should always pack band-aids. Eventually that slimy shower curtain will blow in and touch your shoulder while you're shaving your knees and you will slip. Disaster. (Thank goodness people don't wear nylons anymore - remember those with shaving cuts??)
- Even if you think you don't get car sick, staring at the laptop at 78 mph will get to you. Yeah, you'll blame it on the fruit and nut mix (potato chips) you picked up at the travel center (gas station), but we know better - even the most put-together business person gets a little woozy when trying to balance a flaming hot laptop on her legs while referencing the notes jammed under the emergency brake and typing into those pesky PowerPoint text fields. Work in the car is somewhere between unsatisfactory and impossible.
- Work starts at 5. See above. You will get nothing done during the day and end up staring down the email gauntlet over room service (or - depending on your team - after half a bottle of wine and a big Italian dinner).
- Prop planes are not the same as real planes. Rather, they are a roller coaster ride upgraded with a chemical toilet. And, the sick bags tucked in behind the Skymall are not kitsch, they're a highly, highly relevant service item.
- You should take granola bars (or wear elastic pants). I cannot resist the Pringles in the mini bar. Or the tuna flight at Barrel 135. Or that pesky, pesky cheese croissant at all the airport Au Bon Pains. Bah. Business travel is a constant temptation of convenience and emotional eating. Pack some responsible meal substitutes in your satchel or bring your fat jeans for the flight home. (Seriously, though, go with the granola bars. Elastic pants are just ugly.)
- You will spend infinitely more time in transit than at work. 20 hours on the road. 2 hours in the meeting. It's just the way it works. This is particularly true if you get lost on the subway on your way to Brooklyn. And then, too, if you get lost walking from the subway to the office.
- There's nothing like business travel to make you hate men. I see this at every airport gate: The women are lugging bulging carryons, handbags, and various satchels. The men have a single white shirt in a dry cleaning bag and their slim briefcase. Bah!
- It's probably why online bill-pay was created. You will lose track of your life. Forget which kennel your dog is on. Miss your mother's birthday. And generally end up with nothing in the refridgerator, a past-due cable bill and three weeks of laundry. Just roll with it.
- If the travel is a disaster, the meeting will be a smash success. I don't know what that's true. It just is.
- (If there is a corollary to #14, I have no proof of it yet. Travel is always a disaster. That's what makes you happy to be home.)
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